My nan died in the early hours of this morning.

I am sadder than I expected to be. She had alzheimer's and we have been praying for her death to be quick since a fall that she had last week which seemed to be as a result of a stroke.
She never really regained conciousness and died peacefully in her sleep - which was what we all hoped for her.

But here's the thing - suddenly in death my nan's life somehow becomes more meaningful and vibrant. I'm inclined not to think about the last five years or so where she has been muddled and sleepy and a bit awkward; but instead remember the gardener, the organ player, the nan who gooed over babies and knew how to gut fish and thread onions and pluck a chicken. I have remembered lying with my head on her lap on long journeys in the back of the car and perfroming shows and dances for her when I was little.

I loved my nan and although I cannot grieve for her death I am hopelessly sad that she is gone and will miss her terribly.

Rest peacefully Nan, with no strangers, no "boy" and no pain.